*"The Best Of The Worst Country and Western Titles"

Because I’ve always been a fan of round numbers I thought I’d watch the "Colonel Homer" episode of The Simpsons when it was shown on TV the other week for the tenth time.

You may remember that in this particular episode Homer manages Lolene, an up and coming Country and Western singer, who he met in a Hillbilly Bar where the local rednecks drink Fudd not Duff.

The high point of the episode for me was when Colonel Homer dressed in full C and W Management regalia walks out on his family and Bart observes, "As much as I hate that man right now, you gotta love that suit!"

One other feature of this episode I can’t forget, especially as a fan who has finally worked up the courage to leap out of the C and W closet in recent times, are the hilarious songs that Lolene has written. "your Wife Don’t Understand You But I Do" is pretty much par for the course, but my personal fave was the risqué, "Don’t Look Up My Dress Unless You Mean It."

Country and Western music has always been famous for its song writing and with the help of my good buddy Bill Atchley (he likes both types of music, Country and Western) I thought I’d give you a list of 100% true C and W song titles:

Do You Love As Good As You Look?

Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?

Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

I Wanna Whip Your Cow

I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line

If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me

If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose

My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down,

But Baby I Can See Through You

Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill

She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty

Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In

You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too

You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd

You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

And to think, until now I’d been wondering why Country music wasn’t popular in this country….